Saturday, May 11th 2019

 

CHE

Mother’s Day is here again which means we’re all looking for the best place to take our mother’s out to celebrate. Here with some tips is our city correspondent: Stefon!

Stefon rolls out.

 

JOST

Thanks for joining us, Stefon. It’s been awhile.

 

STEFON

Yes, I’ve been busy.

CHE

Oh, what have you been up to?

 

STEFON

Nothing.

 

CHE

Great. So tomorrow is Mother’s Day. We’re looking for the best place to take moms and say thank you for all you’ve done. Do you have something for that?

 

STEFON

(to Che/Jost) Yes, Green Book, I’ve got just the thing. (to audience) If you wanna mess your mother up, New York’s hottest club is “Queef.” Located in an open scab in Queens, club promoter Marvin Straighte has got everything:  Zunes, Hit Clips, that one Jewish kid in a Catholic school, Steve Zahn. And watch out for the human crop duster.

 

JOST

Human crop duster?

 

STEFON

It’s when a midget on a drone sprays the crowd with pesticides.

CHE

Stefon, do you really think getting your mother sprayed with pesticides is how she’d like to spend her special day?

STEFON

Why don’t you ask her.

 

In rolls MRS. STEFON (Emma Thompson).

 

JOST

Mrs. Stefon. Thank you so much for coming. Does what your son just described sound like a good time to you?

 

MRS. STEFON

Yes, but I understand that it’s not everyone’s “thing” so I’d like to give some alternate options. From a mother’s perspective.

 

CHE

Great. A mother’s perspective is just what we need. Where would you like your son to take you for Mother’s Day?

 

MRS. STEFON

If you want to have a nice Mother’s Day with your son, look no further than New York’s luke-warmest new club “Scloosh.” Based on Kim Jong Un’s Jung Typology, this abandoned trough in Dead Horse Bay has everything a mother could want: old nail clippings, K-cups, every fiancé from 90-Day Fiancé, Steve Zahn…

 

STEFON

Anyone can get in, but you have to get by the guard kimono dragon, Craig.

 

MRS. STEFON

And yes, he is in heat.

JOST

Of course he is. Mrs. Stefon, I gotta say…I had no expectations and I’m still disappointed.

 

CHE

We were looking for a fun, normal Mother’s Day for fun, normal mothers. And Scloosh–I can’t stress this enough–does not fit that.

 

Stefon and Mrs. Stefon exchange a look.

 

STEFON

Alright we got it.

 

JOST

In all the times you’ve been on this show, you’ve never once had it. So you can understand our skepticism.

 

MRS. STEFON

Until now.

 

CHE

I think you’re not gonna have it, but let’s hear it anyway. Remember: light hearted, nice, the Health Department knows it exists.

 

STEFON/MRS. STEFON

Got it. / Light-hearted, nice, yes.

 

STEFON

If you’re looking to get as close to death without actually dying, New York’s hottest Mother’s Day spot is “Slit.” Founded by strip club owner Tit Harrington as a tax shelter to get Lori Laughlin’s dumb kids into USC, this condemned Sport Clips is located under a fat berg in Little Austria.

 

MRS. STEFON

And this place has everything: loose change, a rat king, the amulet, Mayor Pete googling pop culture references, Steve Zahn.

 

STEFON

Oh, and is that Elon Musk? No, it’s just a half-melted Madame Tussaud’s figure of David Spader.

 

JOST

That went about as much as we expected. I think you two should go.

 

MRS. STEFON

We have to exit now anyways if we wanna sneak past Craig before he gets too aggressive. Happy Mother’s Day, Stefon.

 

STEFON

Happy Mother’s Day, Mrs. Stefon.

Stefon and Mrs. Stefon hug.

 

CHE

Slit actually sounds kinda fun. From Weekend Update I’m Michael Che–

 

JOST

And I’m Colin Jost. Happy mother’s day to all. Good night!

 

+This Mother’s Day Stefon is once again dedicated to my Mrs. Stefon. Happy Mother’s Day!

 

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