THE WOMEN’S RESTROOM
INT. BAR BATHROOM – NIGHT
JANE, a young woman, stands by the bathroom sink. Her friend, ALLISON, fixes herself in the mirror, holding her jacket.
God it’s hot in here. I hope they
play the new T-Swift. That shit’s
my lady jam.
Total lady jam.
Jane pulls out a lipstick and starts to apply. Allison stops playing with her hair.
Is that my lipstick? Is that my
Koko K matte liquid lipstick?
No, this is mine.
There’s only one way to settle
this: Bathroom Court, bitch.
Allison kicks open the handicap stall and inside sit FOUR JURORS, a BAILIFF and a LAWYER. There are several seats and desks inside. Allison sits with the lawyer.
What the hell. I was just in there.
The Bailiff leads Jane to a desk.
All rise for the honorable Judge Hannah.
JUDGE comes rushing in.
Alright, let’s make this quick. I
just requested some T-Swift.
Ooh, that’s my lady jam.
What’s on the docket tonight?
One count of breaking Girl Code #9.
And how does the defendant plead?
Not guilty. It was my lipstick!
Allison, what the hell is happening?
Justice is being served.
Please produce your evidence.
Lawyer snatches the lipstick from Jane. She shows it to the jury.
Exhibit A: The stolen Koko K matte
Lawyer grabs Allison’s purse and turns it upside down, shaking its contents out. A lot of things fall out.
Exibit B: A purse with arguably
way too many things, but not one
of them a Koko K matte liquid
lipstick. I call Jane Whats-her-face
to the stand.
Jane is escorted to sit next to the judge.
Place your hand on the bible.
This is a Sex and the City DVD.
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth so help you Samantha,
Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte?
Have you ever seen this lipstick before?
Yeah, several times. It’s mine.
The lawyer slams her fist on the table.
I rest my case.
Would the defense like to call any
witnesses to the stand?
I would like to call some common
sense to the women’s restroom.
Alright. Closing statements.
Lawyer stands in front of the jury.
So I ask the members of the
jury–wait, where’s Juror #5?
There’s a flush. JUROR FIVE comes out of the stall next door and into the “court room.”
So I ask the members of the jury,
to remember Girl Code #9: No girl
shall take an item without asking
the owner’s permission, unless
both parties made an official
decision to waive this rule in the
context of their friendship. Jane
stole this lipstick from her girl friend.
She should be punished with the
fullest extent of girl law.
Jane stands up.
This is insane. The judge isn’t
wearing a bra. Juror #5 didn’t
wash her hands. This court is in a
bathroom and I’m innocent!
The jury will deliberate. Let’s
give them a moment.
She flushes the toilet to drown out the sound of deliberation. Once it ends, JUROR #1
We find the defendant guilty.
I sentence you to be kicked out of
tonight’s Uber X and into…an
Jane begins to cry.
Oh God. Not an Uber Pool!
Court is adjourned. Shots are on me!
The “court room” empties until only Allison remains. She puts on her jacket and something falls from her pocket. Allison picks it up.
Oh shit. My Koko K.
She goes to the mirror and puts it on.