Tuesday, October 10th 2017

THE WOMEN’S RESTROOM
INT. BAR BATHROOM – NIGHT
JANE, a young woman, stands by the bathroom sink. Her friend, ALLISON, fixes herself in the mirror, holding her jacket.
ALLISON
God it’s hot in here. I hope they
play the new T-Swift. That shit’s
my lady jam.
JANE
Total lady jam.
Jane pulls out a lipstick and starts to apply. Allison stops playing with her hair.
AlLISON
Is that my lipstick? Is that my
Koko K matte liquid lipstick?
JANE
No, this is mine.
ALLISON
There’s only one way to settle
this: Bathroom Court, bitch.
Allison kicks open the handicap stall and inside sit FOUR JURORS, a BAILIFF and a LAWYER. There are several seats and desks inside. Allison sits with the lawyer.
JANE
What the hell. I was just in there.
The Bailiff leads Jane to a desk.
BAILIFF
All rise for the honorable Judge Hannah.
JUDGE comes rushing in.
JUDGE
Alright, let’s make this quick. I
just requested some T-Swift.
BAILIFF
Ooh, that’s my lady jam.
JUDGE
What’s on the docket tonight?
LAWYER
One count of breaking Girl Code #9.
JUDGE
And how does the defendant plead?
JANE
Not guilty. It was my lipstick!
Allison, what the hell is happening?
ALLISON
Justice is being served.
JUDGE
Please produce your evidence.
Lawyer snatches the lipstick from Jane. She shows it to the jury.
LAWYER
Exhibit A: The stolen Koko K matte
liquid lipstick.
Lawyer grabs Allison’s purse and turns it upside down, shaking its contents out. A lot of things fall out.
LAWYER
Exibit B: A purse with arguably
way too many things, but not one
of them a Koko K matte liquid
lipstick. I call Jane Whats-her-face
to the stand.
Jane is escorted to sit next to the judge.
JUDGE
Place your hand on the bible.
JANE
This is a Sex and the City DVD.
JUDGE
Do you swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth so help you Samantha,
Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte?
JANE
What?
LAWYER
Have you ever seen this lipstick before?
JANE
Yeah, several times. It’s mine.
The lawyer slams her fist on the table.
LAWYER
Liar!
JANE
Objection!
JUDGE
Sustained.
LAWYER
I rest my case.
JUDGE
Would the defense like to call any
witnesses to the stand?
JANE
I would like to call some common
sense to the women’s restroom.
JUDGE
Alright. Closing statements.
Lawyer stands in front of the jury.
LAWYER
So I ask the members of the
jury–wait, where’s Juror #5?
There’s a flush. JUROR FIVE comes out of the stall next door and into the “court room.”
LAWYER
So I ask the members of the jury,
to remember Girl Code #9: No girl
shall take an item without asking
the owner’s permission, unless
both parties made an official
decision to waive this rule in the
context of their friendship. Jane
stole this lipstick from her girl friend.
She should be punished with the
fullest extent of girl law.
Jane stands up.
JANE
This is insane. The judge isn’t
wearing a bra. Juror #5 didn’t
wash her hands. This court is in a
bathroom and I’m innocent!
JUDGE
The jury will deliberate. Let’s
give them a moment.
She flushes the toilet to drown out the sound of deliberation. Once it ends, JUROR #1
stands up.
JUROR #1
We find the defendant guilty.
JUDGE
I sentence you to be kicked out of
tonight’s Uber X and into…an
Uber Pool.
Jane begins to cry.
JANE
Oh God. Not an Uber Pool!
JUDGE
Court is adjourned. Shots are on me!
The “court room” empties until only Allison remains. She puts on her jacket and something falls from her pocket. Allison picks it up.
ALLISON
Oh shit. My Koko K.
She goes to the mirror and puts it on.

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