Sunday, October 1st 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue


  • Today was world smile day, LADIES.


  • Hugh Heffner died on Wednesday. He was found under your mattress by your mother.


  • Giant’s owner Jon Mara scolded Odell Beckham Jr. for his “dog peeing” touch down dance. He rolled up a newspaper and whapped Beckham on the nose.


  • Republicans released their newest tax plan this week. According to the Tax Policy Center, 80% of the benefit of the plan goes to the top 1%. During a press conference, reporters asked Mick Mulvaney if this was true. He responded by saying, “It’s impossible to say.” Impossible to say? That’s a response for a magic 8-ball, not the Director of the Office of Management and Budget. That’s like me asking a waiter if tip is included in the bill and he shrugs and says, “fuck poor people.” It’s Mulvaney’s whole job to say. People aren’t picked in a raffle to receive deep tax cuts. They’re chosen specifically by friends in the Republican party they’ve paid off.

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