Monday, September 18th 2017

Thank You Notes

  • Thank you, people who own a confederate flag, for really saying I wish we still owned something else:

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  • Thank you, MOAR, or Mother of All Rallies, for showing us less is sometimes MOAR.

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  • Thank you, CinemaScore, for giving the allegorical film mother! a rare F-grade, which is ironically the same score mother earth would give us.

 

  • Thank you, extra whitening, for letting us know that regular whitening is essentially trash.

 

  • Thank you, those sandals featuring contradictory Trump tweets, for being the very definition of a Presidential Flip Flop.

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  • Thank you, Alexa, more cowbell.

 

 

Weekend Update/Monologue

 

  • Vaginal mesh surgeries in Australia are being subject to hundreds of lawsuits after the faulty mesh caused women chronic pain that has ruined their sex lives. Doctors reportedly told the women to just try anal. Then gave the husbands discreet high fives.

 

  • The Trump campaign is selling $45 gold medals with his face on them. By Executive Order, all unsold medals will be bought by the International Olympics Committee for LA2028.

 

  • In order to crack down on ticket scalping, Ticketmaster has implemented a new system of ticket distribution. It determines if you’re a real fan or a reseller by looking through your social media, checking if you’ve bought tour merchandise, or spying through your computer’s camera to see if you dance nude to “Look What You Made Me Do.”

 

  • The hat Trump wore to brag about crowd size to Harvey victims is now available for profit on his website. Not available for profit? Tact.

 

  • EPA Public Affairs officials have reportedly been given the right to veto federal grants if they mention climate change. So from now on scientists have to call climate change, “Mother Nature’s lady times.”

 

  • During the Emmy’s, Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer came out to joke about the crowd size in a cool callback of when he regularly lied to the American public and called media that didn’t agree with Trump, Fake News. Tune in next year, when Donald Trump sings Rocket Man while pelting Hillary Clinton with golf balls.