Tuesday, September 12th 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue


  • Ted Cruz liked a pornographic tweet last night, leaving it up for hours before it was eventually taken down. If it had stayed up for four or more hours, someone would have had to call his doctor.

A spokesperson for Cruz said that his staffer member had inadvertently liked the pornographic post. Staff member is the redundant name of Cruz’s penis.


  • During a 9/11 tribute, Fox News anchors asked if “100 years from now, will someone try to take down 9/11 memorials like their taking remake our Confederate memorials today.” It’s hard to tell, because we’ll be dead in 100 years, but I hope my grandchildren never forget how the south tower fought for segregation.


  • Prior to Hurricane Irma making landfall, a public service announcement called for Floridians to not shoot their guns at the hurricane. But how else would they protect themselves from the sharknado?


  • Rush Limbaugh declared Irma a liberal hoax created to advance the nefarious and profitable climate change agenda. If only Democrats had spent as much time in Michigan as on the weather machine, this election might have ended differently.


  • This week in South Korea, a woman fed up with her husband’s golfing, cut off his penis and flushed it. As she flushed the toilet, she reportedly yelled, “fore!”


  • A diaper-wearing monkey attacked a Walmart employee in store’s parking lot. The monkey was immediately made assistant manager.


  • A mother in Chicago was upset to learn her teen daughters phone number used to belong to an escort. “Yes,” her daughter said, “Used to.”


  • Burger King announced if customers publicly admit they’ve been fired on their LinkedIn, they receive a free burger. Unemployment: A Whopper of disappointment.


  • After an embarrassing loss to the Chiefs, the New England Patriots are replacing their new turf because it was not up the team’s standards. Once that’s finished, they’ll deal with the footballs.


  • A flight from China was delayed for five hours because a woman threw coins into the plane’s engine for good luck. Passengers later murdered her for good luck.