Sunday, September 10th 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue

 

  • Senator Lindsey Graham says he would support canceling the DACA with a 6-month delay to find a legislative solution. But his spine gave out some months ago.

 

  • Betsy Devos is ending campus sexual assault protections. So ladies, enjoy Back To School Week, henceforth to be known as The Purge.

 

  • EPA director Scott Pruitt declared Hurricane Irma was not the right time to talk about climate change. If Irma is the wrong time, which works better for your schedule: Hurricane Jose or Hurricane Katia? Because our coastline is currently replicating The Day After Tomorrow. A movie heavily criticized for being scientifically inaccurate is reality now:

Screen Shot 2017-09-09 at 3.22.50 PM

When would be the right time to talk about climate change? When LA is devastated by tornados or NYC freezes over? I think someone better get Dennis Quaid on the phone, stat.

 

  • Consumer credit reporting agency Equifax suffered one of the worst cybersecurity breaches in history when nearly 200 million people’s sensitive data was hacked. To make matters worse, Equifax reportedly knew about the breach a month ago. Fortunately, they’re offering a year of free credit reporting. Unfortunately, if someone buys Betsy Devos’ summer house in your name it will take Equifax a month report it.