- Devastating floods and landslides in South Asia have killed more than 800 people and displaced millions. If only they hadn’t elected all those lesbian mayors.
- Flight attendants are taking self-defence classes to deal with unruly passengers. So now every flight can be a United flight.
- While serving food to Harvey victims, Trump bragged to the press that the plastic gloves wouldn’t fit because his hands were too big. Hey Mueller: if the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit.