Saturday, July 1st 2017

Monologue/Weekend Update

  • New York finally passed legislation on child marriage. Bad news, it’s illegal now. Good news it’s still legal in almost 30 states.

 

  • This weekend an adult man was the flower girl at his cousin’s wedding. It was in New York so they needed at least one consenting adult present.

 

  • Kim Kardashian was criticized this week after posting a photo of her one-year-old son in a forward-facing car seat. But I think they should have been more worried who was behind the wheel:

mgid-uma-image-mtv.com-10516152

 

  • A study shows being forgetful may mean your brain is actually working properly. Great news for people with Alzheimer’s.

 

  • Martin Shkreli, the man who bumped up the price of life saving drugs 5000% overnight, goes on trial for securities fraud this week. He faces up to 20 years but if the judge wants the punishment to fit the crime he’ll have to bump that up 5000%.

 

  • Anonymous claims NASA is about to announce discovery of aliens. Anonymous’s agenda has really changed with the new management.

960

 

  • 18,000 pipes in Fint Michigan will be replaced by a black-owned company. These pipes will be great for the water supply. Because you know what they say, black don’t crack.

 

  • Temperatures in Arizona are so high right now people are posting pictures of things melting that should not be melting, like garage cans and street signs. Isn’t climate change fun?

 

  • Girl Scouts will start offering cybersecurity badges to promote science and math fields. I guess we know who Anonymous is now.

xfile girl scout

 

  • A Kentucky town elected a dog named Brynneth Pawltrow as their mayor. Ms. Pawltrow’s first act as mayor was endorsing Goop’s Magic Stickers and denouncing NASA.

 

  • Bill Cosby will be touring the country giving seminars on how to avoid sexual assault. He’ll unveil his foolproof three point plan: 1. be a beloved nineties sitcom dad. 2. wear kooky sweaters. 3. don’t rape.

 

  • The Education Department invited Anti-LGBT grougs to a Father’s Day event. Because even shitty fathers get to celebrate Father’s Day.

 

  • A museum just for dogs is opening in NYC this summer where you can see Spot run or pee all over your MTA fees.