Friday, June 23rd 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue

  • Upon arrival in Pyongyang, Dennis Rodman presented a copy of Trump’s book, “Trump: The Art of the Deal.” In return, Kim Jong Un tested another missile.

 

  • Upon arrival in Pyongyang, Dennis Rodman presented North Korea’s Sports Minister Kim Il-guk a copy of Trump’s book, “Trump: The Art of the Deal.” Il-guk thanked him graciously, saying this would be great for nuclear missile target practice.

 

  • When asked if Rodman could bring up Otto Warmbier–who was recently return to his family in a coma–he said, “That’s not my purpose right now…My purpose is to go over there and try to see if I can keep bringing sports to North Korea.” What sports? Rodman has been a so-called “basketball dipolomat” for four years and North Korea’s only sport is hard labor. And they just traded their most prominent player.

 

  • Kim Kardashian’s makeup line KKW Beauty under fire for black face photos. Just wait ’til Steve Bannon’s makeup line, KKK Beauty, comes out.

 

  • Oregon driver licenses will soon have three gender options: M, F, or X. It’s great progress for those that identify as Male, Female, or X-man.

 

  • Skittles released white candies for pride month which makes sense for a company whose slogan is “Taste the Rainbow.”
  • Skittles released white candies for pride month which explains their new slogan “Taste the White power.”

 

  • 16.4 millions of Americans think chocolate milk comes from brown cows. Which means roughly 383.6 million Americans don’t know where chocolate milk comes from. Thanks Obama.

 

  • Fox News has announced it is dropping it’s slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Instead they will use the new slogan “Fair-skinned and Unbalanced”

 

  • Six people have resigned from Trump’s HIV/AIDS advisory council because he reportedly “doesn’t care.” Of course Trump doesn’t care. He has no idea what HIV is. He thinks chocolate milk comes from brown cows.
  • Six people have resigned from Trump’s HIV/AIDS advisory council because he reportedly “doesn’t care.” Of course Trump doesn’t care. He thinks HIV is a carpool lane.

 

  • The Supreme Court ruled offensive trademarks are free speech. Which is good news for the Republican congressional baseball team’s logo: An ICE agent tearing an immigrant family apart.

 

  • Two passengers had sex in their seats on a Ryanair Flight to Ibiza. The man took a blue pill in Ibiza.

 

  • Asgardia announced its plans to build a space station on the moon and in the Earth’s orbit. Anyone can sign up and I think I know whose first on the list. spicer

 

  • A 22-year-old Chinese man had 28 pounds of feces removed from his colon after being constipated since 1997. Upon waking up, the man said he was glad that shitty situation was behind him.

 

  • Oreo is holding a competition to invent a new flavor of Oreo. So get ready for the new Doritos Nacho Cool Ranch Finger Blast Oreo.