Tuesday, May 30th 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue

  • It was reported that Jared Kushner asked for a secret communications channel with Putin. Apparently he was just trying to plan a surprise party for Trump. Thanks, Fake News. You RUIN EVERYTHING.

 

  • A student in California was caught on camera screaming racial slurs at his teacher, Mr. Wu, for refusing to round his grade from a 43% to a 70%. I don’t know what the subject was, but I’m guessing math.

 

  • A Texan man sued his date for texting during a movie. In the suit he claimed the woman’s behavior was a threat to civilized society. Vezmar said he would donate the whopping $17.31 to charity. The charity is “Habitat for Oh the Humanity.”

A Texan man sued his date for texting during a movie. In the suit he claimed the woman’s behavior was a threat to civilized society. Vezmar said he would donate the whopping $17.31 to charity. The charity will be the “Wounded (Social Justice) Warrior Project” which uses tiny violins as therapy for rejected “nice guys.”

A Texan man sued his date for texting during a movie. In the suit he claimed the woman’s behavior was a threat to civilized society. Vezmar said he would donate the whopping $17.31 to charity. Charity is the name of his favorite hooker.

 

  • Despite saying he’ll decide on the fate of climate change next week, it’s been reported Trump told EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt he’ll pull out of the Paris Agreement. Pruitt was allegedly asked to stop making TV appearances until the big announcement so it would be solely Trump’s victory. So this Memorial Day, don’t forget to thank President Pruitt for his service.

Despite saying he’ll decide on the fate of climate change next week, it’s been reported Trump told EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt he’ll pull out of the Paris Agreement. But you know who really should have pulled out? Trump’s father.

 

  • Alamo Drafthouse organized an all-women screening of Wonder Woman. Unsurprisingly, some boys got their feelings hurt. But you know what? I get it. I’m outraged by the blantant sexism and discrimination:white dudes fuck women

Oh no, sorry. That’s a group of white men deciding the fate of women’s healthcare options in America, allowing insurance companies to charge them exponentially more than men and deny access to reproductive care based on religious beliefs. Let’s try this again:

US-POLITICS-DIPLOMACY-TRADE-ASIA-TPP

Nope. That’s another group of white men re-signing the global gag rule into affect, deciding healthcare for millions of women in third world countries by restricting their access to reproduction care and safe abortions, based once again on religious beliefs. Let move on, but I’m still very outraged. It’s like an all-female Ghostbuster all over again. Men just can’t catch a break.

 

  • Alabama governor Kay Ivey signed a law banning cities from removing confederate monuments. New Orleans recently removed all their monuments, saying the Confederacy was on the wrong side of history. While Alabama argued they’re on the alt-right side of history.

 

  • In Australia, Ben & Jerry is banning two scoops of the same flavor of ice cream until they pass marriage equality. They’ve also discontinued Australia’s favorite flavor, “Everything But The…Marriage Equality.”f731d95a-edbf-4fc2-be08-1afff287ab0d_zpsetyaig6y