Friday, May 26th 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue

  • The Trumps survived their first trip abroad and there’s a lot to unpack. Let’s start with the biggest story: The Swipe heard ’round the world. Melania swiped Trump’s hand away, not once, but twice. In her defense, she thought that hand was going for something else.

 

  • The CBO report came out today. It predicted 23 million people would lose their insurance, up from 20 million. The Trump administration is playing a game of Russian roulette on what will kill more Americans first: Trumpcare, nuclear war, or the Russians.

 

  • Senator Mitch McConnell said he doesn’t know how to get to 50 votes on the healthcare bill. He also doesn’t know how many votes it takes to pass a bill.

 

  • Trump tweeted a photo of himself with a 48% approval rating. My favorite part of the tweet is knowing some White House staffer had to scoure the internet for the poll with the highest Trump approval and then present it to him.

 

  • During the visit with the pope, this joyous family photo was snapped:Screen Shot 2017-05-26 at 8.05.05 PMThere’s Jared, Ivanka, Trump, the Pope and the Old Woman from Insidious:Old_Woman

 

  • Trump also met with newly elected French president Emmanuel Macron. According to White House reports, the presidents “gripped the other’s hand with considerable intensity, their knuckles turning white and their jaws clenching and faces tightening.” But I think Trump was just overwhelmed that someone would finally hold his hand.

 

  • Spicer was upset he was excuded from the Pope meeting, saying, as a Catholic, “It’s all he’s ever wanted.” Because, at this point, the only person high enough in the Catholic church to absolve Spicer’s sins is the Pope.

 

  • After the 4th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upholding a federal courts blocking of the Muslim ban, the Trump administration said they would once again pursue another appeal. You know the old saying: if at first you don’t succeed in blatant religious persecution, appeal, appeal again.

 

  • Joe Lieberman withdrew from FBI Director consideration, citing potential conflict. The conflict was being Trump’s lil bitch.

 

  • Following Montana GOP candidate Greg Gianforte bodyslamming a reporter, Paul Ryan denounced the event, saying: “It was wrong and should not have happened…around witnesses.”

 

  • Despite the assault charges, Gianforte was elected to the House of Representatives. It’s all part of the GOP’s new platform: We’ll send you to the hospital to find out how the fuck health insurance works.

 

  • A new rechargeable, smart card called “Fuze” is dropping in July. It can consolidate up to 30 credit, debit, gift, and membership cards. So if you were looking for a easily hackable credit card with even more information and money and the battery life of an old iPhone, Fuze is the card for you.