Wednesday, May 17th 2017

Weekend Update / Monologue

  • Scientists recently discovered a way to measure how much pee is in your pool. Findings have shown if you own a pool, you own an outhouse.
  • Dove released a line of soaps in the shape of various body types. So you can either buy one for the body type you have or the one you wish you had.
  • Dove released a limited edition line of body soaps “designed to show how beauty is diverse and diversity is beautiful.” Because nothing makes a woman feel more beautiful than buying the soap that best fits their body:

Screen Shot 2017-05-16 at 1.16.49 PM

  • This week, the Pope will meet with Trump. The Pope said he’d never judge someone before he listens to the person. He then added, “But I think I got the gist from the Access Hollywood tapes.”
  • Trump spent Mother’s Day at a golf course, causing some to question his family values. But Melania specifically requested it.
  • After the Russia Intel leak revelation, screaming was overheard in the Cabinet Room between Sean Spicer, Steve Bannon and Sarah Huckabee-Sanders. They were all screaming, “Help us!”
  • LAX recently opened a private terminal for the uber rich. Amenities include massages, a Willy Wonka-esque candy bar, and a livestreaming iPad with a note that reads “Here’s what you’re missing in the main terminal.” The stream shows peasants fighting their way through LAX for their viewing pleasure. The best part? It’s hosted by this guy:

hunger games

  • A Kickstarter creating rompers for men reached it’s goal in one day. The line is called “RompHim.” Because the only thing stopping men from wearing rompers was having to utter the syllable “her.”
  • A cyber attack locked computers in over 150 countries this weekend. The virus demanded $300 in bitcoins to unlock the infected victims. Reports suggest North Korea has links to the cyber attack but stress there isn’t enough evidence to suggest they were involved. But who else would still think bitcoins are a thing?
  • Tic Tacs has released a limited edition Minion-themed line of mints. If there’s anything that would ruin the moment more than bad breath, it’s pulling out Minion-themed tic tacs.
  • Trump reportedly asked Comey to drop the investigation of Former National Security Advisor and Russian spook Michael Flynn. So Pence was telling the truth. It wasn’t the Russia thing that got Comey fired. It was the Flynn thing. AKA the Russia thing.