Weekend Update / Monologue
- Roger Ailes died this week. Followers of Fox News have been calling him a great patriot, friend, and boss to have. Unless you were a woman who had to interact with him in any way.
- Roger Ailes died this week. Republicans said he had his critics and sins, but was overall a swell guy. I can’t wait for Bill Cosby’s eulogy: “Sure, he raped dozens of women but he did a lot of great things for sweaters.
- Father of Fox News Roger Ailes died this week at 77. He will always be remembered as a serial sexual harasser and monster who exiled Mike and Sully to the Himalayas.
- The 13th season of CW’s Supernatural will feature an animated “Scooby Doo” crossover. The Scooby gang will attempt to solve the mystery of how the hell Supernatural is still on the air.
- Donald Trump tweeted no politician has ever been treated more unfairly. To which every female and person of color politician ever collectively preformed a Anderson Cooper-level eye roll.
- Also, no politician has been treated more unfairly? Fifteen presidents have had assassination attempts, four of which were successful. The only person treating you unfairly is you with your diet. Trump’s diet consists almost completely of fast food. According to diners at his restaurants, he regularly enjoys “a $54 dry-aged steak charred into beef bricks so well-done they clank and rattle the plate [with] a healthy slather of ketchup.” Mix that with his only source of exercise being when he barely manages to scale treacherous golf course greens,
and we might have the first president to be self-assassinated via his diet.
- And as an added layer of irony, the most unfairly treated politician is the same man who once tweeted:
Sidenote: in a bid to get journalists to cough up their sources, Trump revealed the “extremely credible source” was Trump’s former publicist, John Miller.
- This summer, the Samsung Galaxy S8 will finally be able to pair with Google’s popular VR system, Daydream. Watching an explosion has never looked or felt so real.
- Mike Huckabee inexplicably tweeted this on Tuesday:
Of all the Comey-related jokes, that’s the best your team could come up with? Not to mention ScoopGate happened four days prior to this tweet. But I think the worst part of this joke is there’s a 50% chance it isn’t a joke. Trump doesn’t have much originality when it comes to names things. Check out his track record: Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco, Low Energy Jeb, Donald J. Trump Jr.
- The Washington Post reported Speaker Paul Ryan and Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy were caught on tape saying Trump was in Putin’s bankroll. Once the Post revealed they had the tape of the incident, McCarthy and Ryan insist it was simply a joke. So catch Ryan, McCarthy, and Huckabee on this year’s Tone-Def Comedy Jam Tour. Tickets available at a Klan rally near you!
- Following his firing, Trump tweeted: Comey better hope “there are no ‘tapes’ of their conversations before he starts leaking to the press.” Leak those tapes, Donald. What a golden opportunity to shower us with information.