Wednesday, May 10th 2017

Weekend Update

 

CHE

Mother’s day is almost here. Thousands of New Yorkers will be taking their mother’s out for a nice day in the city. Here with some tips on where to go, our city correspondent Stefon.

Stefon enters.

STEFON

Hi.

CHE

Hey, Stefon. What have you been up to?

STEFON

Everyone.

CHE

A lot of people are taking their moms out tomorrow, any tips on where they should go to have a fun mother’s day?

STEFON

If you want to treat your mom right, I’ve got the place for you. New York’s hottest club is “Snausage.” Discovered in the last car of an F train by club photographer Tranny Leibovitz, this critically unacclaimed sink hole has everything: real-life ghostbusters, chutes and ladders, the music of Rafi, and human stalactites.

CHE

What’s a human stalactite?

STEFON

It’s that thing where a midget is strapped to the ceiling and dumps bats on everyone. Plus if you come this Sunday you might meet Miss Chernobyl 1986.

CHE

I really don’t think these are appropriate for Sunday. A lot of mom’s are a little older and may not be interested in this scene. Do you have anything on the more traditional side?

STEFON

Yes. If you’re looking for a place to take an old lady, look no further. New York’s hottest club is “Sploosh.” Located on the lower, lower east side of the upper, upper west side is the wet nightmare of porn star and former pianist prodigy Wolfgangbang Amadeus Mozart. This place has everything: starving tamagotchis, the movie Jack and Jill on loop, furries. And is that special guest Lindsay Lohan? No, it’s a trashcan of coke on fire. Plus, for the kids, recently thawed out Walt Disney. Watch as he discovers how many rights women and minorities have now.

CHE

 I think your heart is in it, but you’re not really giving normal people places to bring their normal moms to. Why don’t you give it a little thought before giving us another mother’s day tourist spot. And remember, the key word is “normal” not 2013 VMA Awards Miley Cyrus doing coke with 2011 Charlie Sheen.

STEFON

I’ve got it already.

CHE

I really think you should take a moment and think about it.

STEFON

No. I’ve got it.

CHE

Really?

STEFON

Yes. Traditional, normal New York. If you’re looking to just get weird with your mom, New York’s hottest club is “Bandaid.” Located under a sewer grate in Little Chechnya, the only way to get in is to find a yogi master and repeat the password: Vietnamaste. Once in, you’ll find this place has everything: Benjamin Button babies, camel toes, barefoot Bratz dolls, and human trumpets.

CHE

What’s a human trumpet?

STEFON

It’s that thing where a midget sits on a jazz musician’s lap and the musician blows him.

CHE

Stefon, after all your time on this show, you should know this is exactly the opposite of what we’re looking for. What are you and your mother doing for mother’s day?

STEFON

Ms. Stefon and I are going to Brunch–

CHE

–Oh, that sounds nice–

STEFON

–New York’s hottest club.

CHE

Stefon, everyone! I’m Michael Che.

JOST

I’m Colin Jost. Happy mother’s day, everyone. Good night!

*I dedicate this special Mother’s Day Stefon to my masha. Happy Masha’s Day!