Weekend Update
JOST
There was a lot of news this week. To help us cover it, second hand news correspondent Anthony Crispino.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Hey, Colin. It’s great to be back. Are you doing something different with your hair?
JOST
Not really.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Well you should. So, uh, you hear about this thing though?
JOST
What thing?
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Huge movie coming out. Guardians of the Galaxy S7.
JOST
What?
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Yeah, it’s a documentary about those phones they tried to take away from people.
JOST
No it’s Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s a superhero film.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Daah, I’m pretty sure it was the Galaxy S7. Because it’s blowing up this weekend.
JOST
Who did you hear that from?
ANTHONY CRISPINO
I heard it from my 8-track guy. Seedy Rahm. Great guy.
JOST
He’s a great guy?
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Gives me a real discount on 8-tracks.
JOST
I think Seedy Rahm was misinformed.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Okay! But, uh, you hear about this other thing though? Harry Styles was in a Dunkin’ commercial
JOST
No, he was in a Dunkirk commercial. The upcoming Christopher Nolan film.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Daaaah, I’m pretty sure it’s Dunkin’. Because they left 400,000 donuts on that island and the British had to go get them.
JOST
Who told you that?
ANTHONY CRISPINO
My cooking class buddy: Crisco Bill.
JOST
I think Crisco Bill is incorrect.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Okay! Okay!
JOST
Do you have any other news for us?
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Yeah. Starbucks is making eunuch porn fappuccinos.
JOST
Nope. Unicorn Frappuccinos.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Stephen Colbert is under investigation by the SEC.
JOST
FCC.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Ellen says she won’t allow Donald Duck on her show.
JOST
Donald Trump.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
What else, what else. Did you hear about what’s going on in France, though?
JOST
Yeah, they’ve got a big election coming up.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Yeah. They’ve got to choose between a Macaroon and a Pen as their new mascot.
JOST
You mean Macron or Le Pen.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
People are mad because the Russians leaked Macaroon’s recipe.
JOST
No they leaked Macron’s emails.
ANTHONY CRISPINO
Daaaah, I’m pretty sure it was recipe because it’s turning into a disaster.
JOST
Alright. Who told you this?
ANTHONY CRISPINO
That Asian dude who works at Lady Footlocker: Reebok.
JOST
I think you should go. Anthony Crispino, everyone!
