Saturday, May 6th 2017

 

Weekend Update

JOST

There was a lot of news this week. To help us cover it, second hand news correspondent Anthony Crispino.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Hey, Colin. It’s great to be back. Are you doing something different with your hair?

JOST

Not really.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Well you should. So, uh, you hear about this thing though?

JOST

What thing?

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Huge movie coming out. Guardians of the Galaxy S7.

JOST

What?

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Yeah, it’s a documentary about those phones they tried to take away from people.

JOST

No it’s Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s a superhero film.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Daah, I’m pretty sure it was the Galaxy S7. Because it’s blowing up this weekend.

JOST

Who did you hear that from?

ANTHONY CRISPINO

I heard it from my 8-track guy. Seedy Rahm. Great guy.

JOST

He’s a great guy?

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Gives me a real discount on 8-tracks.

JOST

I think Seedy Rahm was misinformed.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Okay! But, uh, you hear about this other thing though? Harry Styles was in a Dunkin’ commercial

JOST

No, he was in a Dunkirk commercial. The upcoming Christopher Nolan film.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Daaaah, I’m pretty sure it’s Dunkin’. Because they left 400,000 donuts on that island and the British had to go get them.

JOST

Who told you that?

ANTHONY CRISPINO

My cooking class buddy: Crisco Bill.

JOST

I think Crisco Bill is incorrect.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Okay! Okay!

JOST

Do you have any other news for us?

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Yeah. Starbucks is making eunuch porn fappuccinos.

JOST

Nope. Unicorn Frappuccinos.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Stephen Colbert is under investigation by the SEC.

JOST

FCC.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Ellen says she won’t allow Donald Duck on her show.

JOST

Donald Trump.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

What else, what else. Did you hear about what’s going on in France, though?

JOST

Yeah, they’ve got a big election coming up.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Yeah. They’ve got to choose between a Macaroon and a Pen as their new mascot.

JOST

You mean Macron or Le Pen.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

People are mad because the Russians leaked Macaroon’s recipe.

JOST

No they leaked Macron’s emails.

ANTHONY CRISPINO

Daaaah, I’m pretty sure it was recipe because it’s turning into a disaster.

JOST

Alright. Who told you this?

ANTHONY CRISPINO

That Asian dude who works at Lady Footlocker: Reebok.

JOST

I think you should go. Anthony Crispino, everyone!