Thursday, May 4th 2017

Weekend Update/Monologue Jokes

  • This week J.K. Rowling apologized for killing Snape. Though I think she should be apologizing to all the children named Bathilda and Mundungus.


  • The FCC is considering fining Stephen Colbert over his controversial joke regarding President Trump and Vladmir Putin. Colbert better watch what he says or he might end up president.


  • Ja Rule’s Fyre Festival attempted to happen over the weekend. Trust fund kids spent $2,000 on tickets to Bahamian Coachella. But when they arrived, all the headliners had pulled out and none of the festival staff had shown up to what I can only describe as the set of a MST3K space-themed film. Festivalgoers have filed a suit but Ja Rule isn’t worried. He was just made Secretary of Event Planning.


  • A top Navy admiral said Hawaii was within reach of the North Korea’s missiles. “That takes care of that.” said Jeff Sessions.


  • Google is creating a software that’s autocorrect for art. You draw something in the program and it will create a profession piece of work based off that drawing. So if you draw this:donald trumpIt will create this:post trump


  • A new study about friendships found good friends may only have to be “good enough,” not the best available. The study was done by your clingy friend Rachael. Crazy-Woman-Face


  • After realizing African hospitals couldn’t use some of their equipment because of lack of electricity, scientists decided to use children’s toys to create alternatives. They used a whirligig to create a centrifuge and a magic 8-ball to diagnose patients. enhanced-buzz-1305-1387570644-20


  • The Trump administration is currently “looking into” the First Amendment. Not to seem like they’re picking favorites, Trump is also “looking into” the 15th and 19th Amendments.


  • Researchers have found that low to moderate red wine intake can delay the onset of neurodegenerative diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. And heavy red wine intake makes you scream, “I’m never gonna die!”oQXS6