Sunday, April 30th 2017

Colbert’s Confessions Segment

  • Whenever I leave a store without buying anything, I always feel a bit paranoid. But that might be because I stole several things.
  • The last vote I cast was for American Idol.
  • I walked by an old Blockbuster with my son the other day. He asked, “Dad, what’s that?” I replied, “The place you were conceived.”
  • Whenever a Facebook friends post an inspiring status that ends with, “copy and paste, don’t share” I don’t share. I report and un-friend.
  • My wife got me a Fit Bit for my birthday. But all I do is fit bits of food into my mouth.
  • I’m addicted to doing The Wave.
  • They say you are what you eat. If that’s the case, I’m human.
  • Sometimes, instead of leaving a 20% tip, I leave.
  • Whenever I see a penny heads up on the ground, I pick it up. And put it back heads down.
  • The only Shakespeare I’ve seen is She’s the Man.



Monologue/Weekend Update

  • Trump revealed being president is much harder than he first thought and misses his old life. Hey, Donald: if you don’t feel being president is your thing I know 65 million people who’d be willing to look the other way if those bone spurs returned.


  • This week, Jeff Goldblum was seen selling sausage out of a food truck as research for his next film project. The Jurassic World sequel looks great.



  • A new study reveals that bananas could be on the verge of extinction. A majority of bananas are grown from the same clone, meaning they are susceptible to certain strains of disease that could wipe out the entire crop. If it takes care of this dick, then I’d say we’re better off:



  • Apparently Trump has a button on his phone that orders Coca-Cola. “How you like us now, bitches?” Said Pepsi.


  • The EPA removed all information regarding climate change from their website. In a press release, they revealed they’re updating the language on the website to better “reflect the approach of the new leadership.” The new page will immediately redirect you to Infowars.


  • A recent study revealed female dragonflies fake their deaths to avoid sexual harassment from males. Typical female dragonflies: always asking for it by the way they dress and then playing hard to get by faking their deaths.



  • Some good news this week: the giant panda is no longer an endangered species. Though I’d argue we’re all on the endangered species list when the Mar-o-Lago dining room is the new War Room.



  • A Korean workout has been taking the Internet by storm this month. It’s called the “Home Horse Workout.” Let’s take a look: 


You’ll never look at that girl who loves horses the same again.


  • CHE

After a Hawaiian federal judge blocked Trump’s second so-called “Muslim Ban”, Attorney General and Old Timey Manor Caretaker from Scooby Doo Jeff Beauregard Sessions said he was “amazed that a judge on an island in the Pacific could block Trump’s ban.” Here to clarify his recent statement: Attorney General Jeff Sessions!


Oh wow. My, my! It’s so great to be here again, Mr. Che.


Thanks for coming tonight. Now I wanted to talk about your statement regarding Hawaii. People are wondering whether or not you know where or what Hawaii is.


Now, of course I know what Hawaii is. It’s one of my favorite places. One of my granddaughters was born in Hawaii. Unfortunately we have had to deport her back there.


You deported your granddaughter to Hawaii? It’s one of the 50 states. She’s an American citizen. You can’t deport her from one part of the United States to another.


Oh, Mr. Che. Hawaii is like Cuba. It’s under the United State’s control, but people born there are not American citizens. They pay taxes but cannot vote. Like criminals–which most of them are.


What do you mean? Hawaiians can vote.


They can “vote.” We just don’t count those illegals. Same with our Canadian state Alaska.


So you don’t consider people in Hawaii and Alaska American citizens?


That is correct, Mr. Che. We have a famous saying in the South: If it’s not attached, it’s foreign trash. And so are blacks.


Alright. I think it’s time for you to leave. Attorney General Jeff Sessions, everyone.