Thursday, April 27th 2017

Monologue/Weekend Update Jokes

  • A report recently uncovered Bill O’Reilly has paid $13 million in sexual assault settlements. You can read all about it in his new book, “Killing my Advertisers.” (updated version: This week Fox News officially cut ties with Bill O’Reilly. You can read all about it in his new book, “Killing Bill O’Reilly.”)

 

  • Tomi Lahren decision to come out as pro-choice got her fired from The Blaze. Now she’s suing Glenn Beck for early termination.

 

  • During the annual Easter Egg Roll, Melania had to remind President Trump to put his hand over his heart for the National Anthem. He seemed a bit distracted, possibly by vital issues facing our country, such as rising tensions with North Korea or fixing our healthcare system. Or maybe…:

Bake-a-Moist-Chocolate-Cake-Intro 2

 

  • The White House has decided it will no longer release its visitor logs. Critics worry they’re hiding something nefarious. But I think it’s more likely deep shame:

donald-trump-kid-rock-sarah-palin

 

  • Indiana University will no longer be accepting athletes with a history of sexual violence. It seems like a step in the right direction until you realize the school’s motto is “Hoosier daddy?”

 

  • The Florida Marlins have been sold to Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush. Which means they’re officially Bush league.

 

  • Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush: still a more iconic duo:

59f

 

  • Donald Trump boasted that he’s had the highest TV ratings since the “World Trade Center came down.” There was a lot of outrage regarding these comments, but it makes sense if you think about it. Horrible tragedies get the biggest ratings: 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, Trump’s presidency.

 

  • Another PR disaster for United this week. Simon, a giant rabbit, was found dead in the cargo hold of a United flight on his way to being named the world’s largest rabbit. He was flying direct to O’Hare.

 

  • Instead of attending the White House Correspondence Dinner, Trump will hold a rally in Pennsylvania. It’s the most anticipated White Hood event of the year.

 

  • Since Trump is nearing the 100-day mark of his presidency, comparisons to the Obama administration have started to form. For instance: In 100 days, Obama had signed 19 executive orders while Trump has signed 30 executive orders. Obama had enacted 11 laws while Trump has enacted 28 laws. And Obama had visited 9 foreign countries while Trump has visited Florida.

 

  • The only non-Trump property related trip the Trump children have taken was Ivanka’s visit to the W20 Summit in Germany. During the Summit, she described Donald Trump as a big supporter of women and “tremendous champion of supporting families and enabling them to thrive.” The event took a brief intermission as they waited for Angela Merkel to stop laughing.

 

  • President Trump may eliminate the Global Women’s Issues Office in his plan to defund foreign aid programs to add to our already outrageous defense department budget. Because nothing says “I’m a tremendous champion of supporting families” like axing an office that fights for the rights of women.

 

  • Trump has set up a new immigration hotline to aid ICE agents, but most of the calls they’ve been receiving are regarding alien abductions. The strangest part of this story is they seem to be citing the same suspect: